I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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