Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
