that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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