a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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