I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
