I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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