Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
