I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
