I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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