hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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