remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
