You really coming over, don't trick.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹ï¸
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