every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
