Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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