I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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