Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
