awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
