I'm pants shitting drunk right now
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
