he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
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