he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
