Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
