Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
