i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
