If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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