none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
