A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
