Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
