you guys were way drunker than both of me
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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