my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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