I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
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please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
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My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.