I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
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Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
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Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.