Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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