Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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