Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I didn't notice because vodka
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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