no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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