I am spending my child support on dildos
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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