Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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