dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize