if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
