Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
