I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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