When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
