I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
