im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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