If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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