so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
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You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
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I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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