we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
There's even glitter on my cock...
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