i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
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It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
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Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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