i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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