i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
ttyl tear gas
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
