New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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