Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
