I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
