Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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